How Green Is My Rainforest?
August 04, 2003 - 2:11 p.m.
My lawn is mowed. Big deal? Yes. It has been about seven weeks since my mower jammed. Umm-hmmm, seven weeks. And this is the first summer in I-don�t-remember-how-long that we have had sufficient, periodic rainfall. Normally, my lawn is brown and crunchy by August (no mowing!). Not this year. Everyone�s lawn is green, and I haven�t seen a single sprinkler running. Why did I have to wait seven weeks? Well, here goes:
Week 1: Mower jams. I curse my mower and my lawn and then call my brother.
Week 2: My brother comes to look at the mower. He says he is unable to fix it and adds that I will probably need a new blade (he can�t believe the existing one cuts at all).
Week 3: I let my fingers do the walking and call several local mower repair shops, looking for one that will pick up and deliver. The additional cost for pick up and delivery is $25. The additional wait for said $25 service is at least two weeks. Then another week for the repair.
Week 4: Who has a truck? My lawn can�t wait three weeks. Greg, across the street, �Sorry, my truck isn�t inspected. I only use it to take the bikes to the park, no main roads.� As I tell my tale of woe to Jeannie, she tells me her ex-husband has a truck and volunteers him. Well, I have only met him once, and he is her EX-husband, so I feel this is too much of an imposition.
Week 5: Calling more repair shops. I find one in the neighboring town that can pick it up next week and return it the following week. Two weeks versus three (see Week 3)? Sure, come get it. Unfortunately, Week 3 plus three weeks would have been six weeks, and as you can do the math here, I�m up to --
Week 7: Mower returned. Lawn is a jungle, maybe even a rainforest.
During Week 6, it occurred to me that the lawn/jungle/rainforest was so overgrown that my repaired mower, once returned, might not be able to handle the job. Also, I�m not sure I could handle the extreme humidity we�re having this summer. My neighbor Greg concurred. More money. Each day I approached my mailbox expecting to find a violation notice from the city regarding my unmaintained property.
On Thursday, I picked up one of those free Penny Saver newspapers at the supermarket. I was looking for something like Joe�s Lawnmowing Service, not Ooh-la-la Landscape Concepts & Waterfall Design. The first number I called (Howard, not Joe) sounded like a winner. He could come by on Friday and leave an estimate. I prayed he wouldn�t look at the lawn/jungle/rainforest and decline. Well, Howard came through, big time. Yeah, it was a lot of money, but I expected that. The important thing was that Howard was willing and able to do the job the following day (Saturday).
Howard & Co. arrived around 1:00 Saturday. Three guys with three mowers. I felt like royalty lounging in my air conditioned family room while a work crew battled my lawn/jungle/rainforest. So this is how rich folks live! I called my mother to tell her.
An hour and forty-five minutes later, Howard & Co. were done. They mowed, trimmed around the house, shed, fences, and gardens, and took all the grass clippings with them. God bless! At my mother�s suggestion (and, yes, I had already thought of it, too), I asked Howard how much he would charge under normal, non-rainforest conditions. After nine years of mowing, I might be ready for a break. Thirty-five dollars, every two weeks. Hmmmm, definitely something to think about. (I expected him to say $50, too rich for my not-so-blue blood.) I had already planned to ask the kid next door if he would do it for $20, but if he proves unreliable, at least I have Howard.
While talking with my mother, I told her how embarrassed I was about the overgrown lawn/jungle/rainforest situation. I told her my neighbors must be hating me and wondering why the hell I was boycotting lawnmowing. My flower gardens need to be weeded and the hedges need to be trimmed, but I was too embarrassed to be seen in the yard. People would think I�m crazy. Why is she trimming her hedges when her lawn is so overgrown? Come to think of it, P. J. has gone outside only twice in the past two weeks. You know things are pretty bad when the cat won�t be seen in your yard. There�s probably a raging tick colony out there, anyway. My mother told me I am too concerned about what others think, that people have better things to think about in their own lives than my crummy yard. I agreed. No one probably even noticed. Right.
Yesterday, as I was deadheading my balloon flowers, my neighbor Rose drove by. �Your lawn looks nice. It�s a lot of work, huh? All your flowers look nice, too.� I felt like a loser. Of course people noticed! I felt compelled to explain all my lawnmower misfortunes to her and to all my abutting neighbors. Really, I�m not a loser, honest!
So how much has all this set me back? Mower pick up, repair, and delivery ($25 is a rip-off for pick up to and delivery from the adjacent town) -- $126.51; lawnmowing and trimming by Howard & Co. (so worth it � I think others might have gasped and walked away laughing) -- $100; not feeling like trailer park trash (at least the car wasn�t on cement blocks) � way fucking priceless.
My lawn is mowed. Another rainforest destroyed. Next weekend, the hedges. I look forward to it.
Autumn
Trick or Treat - November 02, 2007
Autumn Has Left the Building - July 19, 2007
The Nail - June 04, 2007
Ungolding - June 01, 2007
Bollocks - May 29, 2007