I Heart March
February 24, 2006 - 2:25 p.m.
The month of March is setting up to be a fine one indeed. Each day, there are a precious few more minutes of daylight. No longer is it pitch black when I leave work. Yippee! I always feel more motivated to be productive during daylight hours, and productive me equals happy me. Certainly much more so than the dark days of December and January when it feels like it�s already time for bed when I come home from work. Blech. Can you say Seasonal Affective Disorder?
And then there is the money. Money, money, money! All those extra checks coming my way � state and federal tax refunds, the always delayed year-end bonus, insurance reimbursement for my gym membership, and, and � can you stand it? � an extra paycheck? Yes, this March is one of the two months in 2006 when we every-other-weekers receive THREE PAYCHECKS IN ONE MONTH. Three paychecks to go towards those monthly bills, not the usual two. Whoopee!
How much?
Well, thanks to some �creative accounting,� a technique I learned from former roommate (and friend of Tim�s) Brian, and a general attitude of �the IRS doesn�t need to know every little thing about my personal life,� I�ll be getting back just over $2,300 of my (occasionally) hard-earned salary. Yes, I know that a tax refund basically amounts to an interest-free loan given to the government for the prior year. But, with interest rates as measly as they are, I�d rather take the lump and lose the pittance in interest it would have earned throughout the year had I claimed 0 rather than 1.
Next comes the so-called year-end bonus. Funny, in the Devil�s world, each year seems to end a few weeks later than the previous year. Soon, all the Devil�s minions will have to endure a State of the Firm videoconference, where everyone tries to act equally as interested in all the blah-blah stuff as they are in the bonus stuff, which is usually the penultimate subject on the agenda. Oh, yeah, they serve us wine and cheese and crackers, too. Good times. How about, �Give me the fucking money and let me out of here so I can down margaritas and Jell-o shots without the company of attorneys, who, by the way, can shove their crackers and cheese and wine up their overpaid asses! PAR-TAY!� Wait. I mean, �Thank you.�
How dare I sound so unappreciative towards anyone handing me some free money.
It�s just the manner in which it�s done. After the bonus amounts are announced, the obnoxious attorneys start crowing and go around looking for thanks foot-kissing for their generosity. �Wow! Two thousand this year!� Like my life is changed or something. Okay, not to sound like an ingrate � I know they don�t have to give us a dime, really I do � but they all know damned well that the Devil applies the gift tax to bonuses. Yes, the 45% GIFT TAX. So we get a little over HALF. Two thousand, my ass. Every other place I�ve worked (even other law firms) applies payroll taxes to bonuses, not gift taxes. I know I�m sounding pretty greedy right about now, and I know they are many, many people out there who never receive a bonus, but � I�m just saying. (And, yes, I realize how very fortunate I am that one or two thousand dollars does not change my life.)
Moving on, there�s the $150 reimbursement from the health insurance company. It�s supposed to be a partial reimbursement for gym membership fees. Of course, a more snide person could view it as reimbursement for out-of-pocket premiums which she didn�t have to pay with the Devil�s previous insurer.
Last, it�s a three-paycheck month. Sweet. Not mentioning any amounts here. Suffice it to say that I�ll be a grand total of something more than $3,500 richer by month�s end.
Big plans?
Well, there�s the termites� aftermath. After spending over $1,000 to get rid of the little fuckers (as I so lovingly call them), I need a new bathroom floor. That�s FLOOR, as in subflooring, not merely new floor covering, which, of course, I also will need. It�s my own fault, I admit, for procrastinating as long as I did. Tim�s friend, Paul, who replaced my fence last year, will be doing the work. He checked out the bathroom when he was working on the fence and mentioned something about hoping the cabinets were okay. Damn, I hadn�t even thought of that. Well, as far as I�m concerned, they�re okay. See? I never learn.
As usual, I�ll plop some down on the mortgage principal and into my IRA. Damn, I know how to have fun, huh?
But wait, there will be some fun. California fun. After spending a year back in the hills of Massachusetts, Olivia and Dave are again relocating to northern California, where they spent several months after the Hawaii stint. Dave is looking forward to the move; Olivia isn�t. They will be there for two years, at the least. I�m not sure when I�ll be visiting � either this fall or next spring, probably. I�ve never been to Cally, so I�m looking forward to visiting Napa Valley, San Francisco, and anywhere else we end up.
And there goes all my March cheddar and then some.
Conclusion: MONEY IS EVIL.
Happy Weekend!
Autumn
Trick or Treat - November 02, 2007
Autumn Has Left the Building - July 19, 2007
The Nail - June 04, 2007
Ungolding - June 01, 2007
Bollocks - May 29, 2007